Category: 3) Funnies

DARKLANDS GAZETTE EXCLUSIVE

Following our Senior Roving Reporter’s account of her intrepid incursion of Planet Earth in quest of information on the outrageous theft of the magic flute of Giant Grimface, which is regarded as a national musical treasure by us all, we hear of an even more alarming discovery of great perfidy committed by this same earthman criminal in that it appears he managed to gain access to our most sacred inner sanctum, the Circle of the Secret Globes.

This “Mr. Ryelands” as he has chosen to name himself, though we believe this to be an alias, was encountered by our gracious Princess who, in her customary friendly and accepting nature, believed him to be about his lawful business.

Thus she introduced this interloper to our royal golden lizard and was not warned by the scuttling exit in alarm by this creature.

Encouraged by the warm interest of the visitor in the dazzling gem hung around her neck, she explained that it was a gift from her father, the King, thus revealing her identity, & trustingly beckoned him onwards.

Instead of following, the criminal turned on his heels and, with a gadget in his hand that is thought to be a Google-associated key of some sort disarmingly called a “mouse,” he clicked open the doors to our Innermost Retreat and proceeded to make a mental record of everything within. Noticing our Bureau of the Most Secret, it appears from later investigation that he actually opened the hidden drawer before being disturbed by the noise of approaching guards & making his getaway.

What is not yet known, and of great disquiet, is what he actually saw and recorded of our most revered items of national security and way of life.

This is “restricted” matter so that we are not able to report further upon what rested within the drawer. Be assured that, when this crime has been successfully resolved, our readers will be the first to be informed of the outcome. For the time being, there will be no further information.

The Editor

A (warm) whisper or a warning from the Wiltshire woods

Dear Mr. Tim Rylands,

I suspect that, when you visited Wilton and Barford Primary school in the company of an extremely holey walking stick of odd appearance, you were not entirely honest about the stick’s provenance. From a very reliable source who must remain anonymous, I hear that a certain Giant Grimface in a far distant mountainous region had his magic flute, of all things, removed from his castle following his rather vicious beating administered with the flute to a lazy servant, and somehow this much prized possession was secreted under the scarlet cloak of a creature of human countenance who slipped away under cover of darkness, never again to be seen in the Darklands. Later on, the trailing stems of a sturdy bean plant were discovered protruding from a dark hole leading down into the area known as Planet Earth.

As an intrepid reporter, I took it upon myself to follow this trail with great caution down to Planet Earth, to a corner of an area named Wiltshire previously known as part of the realm of Wessex in a rather delightful green island whose name was not known to me. The twisted stems led me to an establishment containing many young earthlings under tuition. Disguised as an earthbound creature myself, I discovered a large room of these earthlings listening attentively to an earthman who was displaying what I recognised immediately as the missing flute in front of a large picture of our blessed Darklands, claiming that the flute was (horrors) a walking stick.  By observation and acute listening, I discovered that the earthman was named Mr, Rylands. Not wishing to be the cause of alarm among the young earthlings, I slipped away & retraced my steps.

What is not generally understood among the constellations is that Darklands has a good connection to the cyber clouds in which resides the wonder Google. Hence I am able to communicate my intense wish that you return the precious flute to its rightful owner.   Giant Grimface is not always of good temper I must admit, but I must report that he is far more agreeable when he has his magic flute to play so that he can watch the trees dancing to his tunes and the birds flying a beautiful aerial ballet. Since you require a walking stick, I have attached a most serviceable and attractive one to a length of rope you will find dangling in a corner of the earthling school gardens, and I humbly beg you to tie our beloved flute to that same rope so that I can return it to its master. From this act, I shall obtain an exalted position at the office of the Darklands Gazette and there will be much rejoicing in our land.

Yours in gratitude and hopeful expectation,

Paula of the Red Hair, (Senior Roving Correspondent, Darklands Gazette)